Breast Pump's Pink Slip

Baby and I have reached a milestone that I always knew was nearing, as with any milestone I guess, but this milestone seemed to be both relieving and saddening at the same time. It's the first milestone that I haven't felt excitement about, perhaps because it's a true testament to just how independent my little guy has become. I think also I feel disheartened by this milestone because breastfeeding was something that only mommy could provide. It was our special time and experience together. As I look back on my breastfeeding experience I have memories that stretch from one end of the spectrum to the other. Breastfeeding definitely has it's perks (i.e. boobs that would give any centerfold a run for her money), but definitely does not come without it's own frustrations.

Let me just say that prior to actually having my son, breastfeeding seemed like such a foreign concept to me and just one that I never saw myself really grasping. I must admit that prior to my own research I had this unfair, polarized impression of breastfeeding mothers partly because I had seen so much black and white thinking about the topic through social media outlets (i.e. Facebook "friends" I have mentioned in a previous post) and I had this notion that you had to be vegan, eat hummus at every meal, like Dave Matthews Band (I do like their music, but we all know the types those concerts attract. They're not bikers and headbangers, okay?), do yoga, wear bandanas and over-sized earrings, have a compost pile, and wear too many bangle bracelets to be the "perfect" breastfeeding mother. Very granola. Obviously, that's my own unfair assessment and could not be further from the truth. As it turns out, I got the hang of breastfeeding and once I (and my poor nips) got through the first week or two, it was a breeze and, for the most part, an enjoyable experience.

There were definitely times when I was ready to give up on the whole ordeal, but now I am so glad I stuck with it. The growth spurts were terrible, the night feedings were exhausting, the breast pads were annoying, and the engorgement could be disruptive (i.e. I could not enjoy a date night with my husband for more than a few hours without worrying about how soon I was going to get to pump due to pain.) My son's first growth spurt I felt like I was just a cow in a milk plant. He was eating nonstop and at times I wondered to myself What's the point of even wearing a shirt?, but we got through the first few spurts and when solid foods began to be added I started to feel less anxiety about whether I was actually providing my son with enough food. That is something I constantly was concerned about. Is he getting enough? This may have been because my son has always weighed in on the lower end of the scale, but the doctor was never concerned and after I rationalized with myself that neither me or my husband were portly or gargantuan I began to calm down about this...slightly.

And if I'm being totally honest, there were some selfish annoyances as well. One being that part of my son's original bedtime ritual was falling asleep while I breastfed which meant that I was the ONLY ONE who could put him to bed. Yes, there were a few occasions where the babysitter or grandmas were able to get him down, but it did not occur without a good crying fit and some resistance from the babe.  My poor sister-in-law had a nightmarish experience when she so kindly offered to watch him one evening while we went out to a late dinner with some friends. I think she may still be scarred from this night. She curiously has gotten over her baby fever that so plagued her a few months after she and my brother got married. Hm.

Second, was the regular calculation of when I could have a glass of wine or drink a beer before I would have to be ready to breastfeed again. I am not the drinkiest of drinkers, but do enjoy a good beverage now and again. Also that meant on the rare night when I found myself desiring just one more glass of wine after a particularly grueling day or at a social gathering I couldn't. Now there are some people out there who know the exact calculations of how many drinks you can have for every so many hours and at one point I did know these, but found it to be not worth my troubles. I had other things to worry about and worrying whether I may be sharing some of my happy hour with Baby was not something I cared to waste my time over. On the upside my lack of drinking for the past two years has made me a really cheap drinking partner. Ha ha! Now there's a way to trim the budget!  I kid, I kid...sort of.

Third, taking time out to pump due to engorgement could be very disruptive. When my son was 8 months old we left him for the first time with my mom for a weekend trip to attend some friends' wedding out of state. Our daily tourist plans were often disrupted by my need to return to the hotel and pump. Thankfully it was not too out of the way, but still an annoyance. I did not feel as free as I would have otherwise.

Finally, being a mother who solely breastfed for the few months I had to plan, plan, plan. I planned time in my day to pump while at work. This was often in the backseat of my own car hoping no one would walk by too closely in the middle of the parking lot, because at the time I was doing home based services and did not work out of an office. On outings with the baby I had to be aware of where private locations may be for him to feed (I was not brave enough to whip it out in public-- mostly due to modesty). I was also picky about these locations as feeding in the public bathroom stall seemed disgusting to me and very unsanitary. Gross! Very often I would make trips out to the car and feed him while sitting in the backseat. It was inconvenient, but it felt safer and cleaner and I could relax more thus allowing for more milk to be released.

Now let's talk about some perks of breastfeeding.

First, as I mentioned earlier, it is the ultimate Mommy and Me time. No one else can provide this experience for your child and there is nothing like knowing you are meeting your baby's needs with your own body (Ok, that totally sounded hippy/treehugger-like, but it is true. Maybe this is why I have the unfair, preconceived notion of the values of a breastfeeding mother?). Also, nothing hushes a screaming, inconsolable baby like a boob. Way too convenient! Only mom's can do that.

Milk boobs give fake boobs a run for their money. They're large and in charge and a sight to behold! I have never had more amazing boobs. Seriously. I was proud of those suckers (no pun intended)! When your milk comes in, your boobs look like a million bucks! I admit I was all too proud to show those beautiful things off to my husband the morning I woke up and BOOM!--my milk had arrived! I even think he was slightly intimated by them, but I think this was mostly because he was afraid they would go off at any second. Chuckle. Sadly they are no more--Now just deflated and used. Sigh.

And I cannot overlook the budget perks of breastfeeding. When we started buying formula to supplement a few months ago, I definitely noticed an impact on our budget. Thankfully I found that Target makes an Up and Up brand formula to compare to a number of name brand formulas (i.e. Similac, Enfagrow, and Gerber). They even have the specialized formulas for sensitive tummies too. Prior to having my son I vowed to never give him off-brand formula because "He deserved the best!" however, I quickly realized the best was also overpriced and our budget could use a little help after I transitioned to part-time. I studiously compared nutrient labels and contents of the Up and Up brand to our formula of choice and it was clear that I was getting almost the EXACT same thing in a larger quantity for less of the price even WITH the zillions of coupons that the name brands send you in the mail.

There are so many other perks of breastfeeding that I just don't have time to identify right at this moment as baby is starting to wake from his nap. Perhaps I'll add them later to this post or maybe just create a second post altogether when I'm feeling particularly nostalgic as this one has gotten really long.

Today, my son is approaching his first birthday in just a couple of weeks and we now only do morning and night feedings if you could even call them that--more like snacks as I am not producing enough to meet his need. These feedings are now combined with a bottle. My pump is tucked away in the cabinet and has not been used in over a month. I no longer have to wear pads in my bra (YES!), and my bras are just a little more spacious (DANG!). My son occasionally tries to lift my shirt for milk during the day which I find kind of funny, a little concerning at times, and if in mixed company, embarrassing. I write it off as a testament to just how insightful he has become--putting his world together and learning how to get things he wants. My son has yet to be sick, which I attribute in part to breastfeeding (another perk!). I'm looking forward to his next year of life, but I'm sure going to miss this very important and prominent part of our first year together. He's getting so big and it's times like these that I'm very aware of just how independent he is becoming.

Adventures in Sleep Training

I should first begin by noting that prior to our journey down the “sleep training” path I was not a believer in any cry it out method and had the selfish thought that my baby would just figure the whole sleeping-through-the-night concept all on his own, because after all, he is the most brilliant baby there ever was! Unfortunately, my husband and I were met with a harsh reality slap to the face at about 9 ½ months that it is called “Sleep Training” for a reason and we soon found that it seemed that our son really did need some training in this department.

Now one might wonder, “How do you know that a baby needs to be put through sleep training?” Well, I tell you, the bottom line is he just WAS NOT SLEEPING. After a week of having regular day schedules, and by that I mean, sticking to nap and feeding schedules with no issue, and horrible nights I found myself desperate. What was wrong with my child? Our nighttime routines never changed. Baby would take his bath about 7:30 p.m., we’d brush his teeth, he’d take a boob or two, and then be out like a light. I’d gently lay him in the crib already asleep and three hours later he’d be awake crying and almost inconsolable. He’d finally fall asleep on me, I’d tip toe into his room to lay him down only to be met with a squeal, resumed crying, and the whole process would start over. Alternatively, if I were lucky enough to actually lay him down without him waking, he would sleep for about an hour and then be up again for another two. All in all, NO ONE was getting much sleep. I realize with young’uns that no one expects the glorious 7 hours or more of uninterrupted shut eye, but at 9 ½ months no one expects to be staying away 2-3 hours at a time in the middle of the night either--Especially since this lengthy wake time had NEVER been an issue before. 

As I mentioned before, I was opposed to the cry it out methods I had not researched simply because I was deterred by just the literal idea of Crying. It. Out. Poor babies. Upon further research and consultation with my son’s pediatrician (who might I add, assuaged my main concerns with educated responses), I learned that the cry it out methods were not completely literal to their name and there actually is a method to what sounded like madness. I had my reservations (Boy did I have reservations) and frustrations (yes, many of those too), but I stuck with it due to the reassurance from my mom and the pediatrician. 

Our adventures in sleep training were instigated by lack of sleep for several days in a row and a phone call to my mother who somehow managed to decipher through my sniffles, sobs, and, well, just overall weeping from frustration and exhaustion that baby was not sleeping.  She suggested sleep training, insisting that it is not as harsh as it sounds and works for many people. I found myself more receptive to this idea in my foggy state, rationalizing that if my own mother used the method and I don’t hate her it must not be too terrible. This rationalization still seems legit even now that I have been sleeping. Perhaps because I have also seen positive results—I digress. Anywho, I made an appointment with my son’s pediatrician for that day (lucky day!) just to be sure that nothing was physically wrong with him before the line was drawn in the sand. I couldn’t imagine how horrible I would feel if I began sleep training and he was really crying and clingy at night because he was ill! Yikes! 

At the appointment I explained our situation. Doctor checked him out and found everything looked good, ears good, nose good, throat good, no teeth coming in, no fever. All clear. He was happy and healthy. While I was relieved to hear this news, I also felt a lump developing in the pit of my stomach knowing what was going to happen next. Dun, dun, dun…SLEEP TRAINING. I still can't tell if I found myself on the verge of tears out of exhaustion or trepidation about what was facing me. SLEEP. TRAINING. Our pediatrician is wonderful and I'm sure my glossy, misty eyes didn't get past her. I'm also pretty sure I'm not the only overwhelmed first-time mom who has walked into her office bordering on releasing a tropical rainstorm. The pediatrician made very good points and explained very specific directions in beginning sleep training. During our appointment she shared a very great analogy that helped clear up the whole sleeping mess we were having that helped me to be more comfortable with the whole sleep training concept. Now remember, baby was falling asleep in my arms at bedtime and then I would lay him in his crib. Doc said, “Imagine that you went to sleep in your bed and then woke up in your car. You know you’re in your car, but you can’t help but panic a bit trying to figure out how you got to your car when you know you were in your bed. You might call for help or reassurance.” Aha! Crystal clear. Baby needed to fall asleep in his bed so that when he woke in the night he wouldn’t freak! The doc also explained that this sleep training thing might take up to a week “or more” (Or more?!) to stick. She also explained the importance of consistency so that baby would recognize that the crib was for sleeping and crying wasn’t going to get him anywhere. Here were our rules outlined by the doctor:

• Stick with regular bedtime routine, but do not allow him to fall asleep while breastfeeding. Unlatch, burp-do whatever necessary to keep him awake, even if only barely.
• Lay him in the crib awake, sing a lullaby, say good night, what have you—Just make it the same each time to cue him it’s time to sleep.
• Walk out of the room. Let him cry for 5 minutes. 
• HAVE AN ACTIVITY TO DO WHILE HE CRIES (i.e. do the dishes, crossword, game of Candy Crush, puzzle, etc.)
• Go in at 5 minutes. DO NOT PICK HIM UP. Lay him back down if necessary. Repeat lullaby, “good night” la la la. Do not stay longer than a minute. Walk out.
• Continue to return to room every 5 minutes if he is crying or if you feel it necessary (like if he’s standing) until he’s asleep. The doc gave us no overall time limit.
• Make sure it’s the same person returning to room who laid him down. So if dad laid him down. Dad returns every 5 minutes. If mom, then mom returns.
• Only pick him up if he’s dirty. Do not console. Just change diaper and place back in crib.

So what was our process? If I’m being completely honest we stuck to the general outlined rules by our doctor, but varied them a bit so that it meshed cry it out methods with “camping out methods” (yes, I learned this was a training method as well). Here was our process:

• Stick with regular bedtime routine, but do not allow him to fall asleep while breastfeeding. Unlatch, burp-do whatever necessary to keep him awake, even if only barely.
• Lay him in the crib awake, sing a lullaby while running fingers through hair until he’s somewhat calm. Leave room.
• HAVE AN ACTIVITY TO DO
• Return in 5 minutes to repeat.
• Continue until he falls asleep.

      The first two weeks were a bit rough to get him initially to sleep (i.e. took over an hour to get him to sleep using this process). I was very tempted to cave.  Maybe it took a little longer for our process to stick because we were a little more tender in our efforts (i.e. he often feel asleep while we sang a lullaby and ran our fingers through his hair, never just alone), but eventually he learned that the crib was for sleeping. He now goes to sleep on his own without need for a lullaby or excessive "supervision" on our part. I will note that the first night we began this process and he fell asleep while in the crib HE SLEPT THE WHOLE NIGHT! Glorious! He’s been sleeping fantastically since. My husband and I no longer look like Walking Dead stand-ins and baby is happy and rested. Happy, rested baby= happy, rested parents. The end.

Ch-ch-ch-ChAAAnges

This week I've been thinking a lot about how my life has changed since I became a mother. I find that whether these changes are good or not-so-good, I am grateful for them. I have found myself much more appreciative of the small things and sometimes get a good chuckle when thinking about the "stressful" things that seemed important prior to pregnancy (Scoff! What did I know?!).  As I'm going through my day to day activities with my son I make mental note of the things I'm doing or have done on a regular basis that if you told me a year ago they would be normal day-to-day activities I'd quickly mentally note that you MUST be some level of crazy, and no, no one does these things as part of real life. So here's my list. Ready?

1) Look down someone else's pants for signs of poop.
2) Smell someone else's butt for scents of poop.
3) Eat leftovers on a regular basis (Prior to working part-time I HATED leftovers with a passion and would regularly make fresh meals for dinner while my husband happily took leftovers for lunch. Now, eating leftovers ONLY makes sense (time wise) and cents (well, you get it) <--see what I did there ;).
4) Plan meals around coupons and sale schedules for the week.
5) Continue to wear a shirt that had remnants of barf on it.
6) Find food in my hair the next morning from dinner the night before. (dried green beans for breakfast? No-we're not THAT financially strapped and yes-I wish I made #6 up for kicks but it really did happen to me once.)
7) Be so concerned with someone else's pooping habits.
8) Talk in depth with my husband or nanny about consistancy and color of poop.
9) Be elated when someone else pooped.
10) Talk so much about poop on a list on my blog.
11) Have a blog.
12) Plop out a boob in front of someone other than myself or my husband. When the kid's hungry, modesty has no meaning. I never was brave enough to bring it out in public (i.e. the mall), but I definitely had no concerns about family or close friends. I figured if they were uncomfortable they could exit.
13) Weekly mentally calculate how much I made in a days work vs. how much I was going to have to pay the sitter. (Ugh. This one still annoys me, especially on those days where I'm cutting it close or even lose money. Yes, lose money. Unfortunately my line of work is not always consistent. Being in the healthcare field I often have to deal with people who no-show their appointments or cancel leaving holes in my day where I'm not making money while still paying the sitter. I could probably write a whole post on how much this irritates me. End rant. KEEP YOUR APPOINTMENTS PEOPLE-doctor, therapist, hair, nail, dentist, massage, etc. !!! Clearly, I feel very strongly about this. Ok, now end rant).
14) Forget to brush my teeth until lunch when I realize my teeth feel a little extra grimier than usual or if I'm being really honest, just forgetting to brush them altogether.
15) Feel like putting on makeup and showering before leaving the house is a real accomplishment.
16) Occasionally look forward to going to the grocery store as a means of social interaction and/or, on days when hubby is home to watch the kiddo, sigh...quiet time.
17) Forget to feed the dog or cat until they kindly remind me that their food bowls are empty by tossing their water bowls around on the floor. Seriously, this is a big one for me. I grew up an animal lover and the thought of any one of my pets taking a back seat to anyone else prior to and even during my pregnancy seemed like an impossible concept. I was a fool. My baby has my heart. The pets will just have to make do. They are still very loved and spoiled, but baby rides shotgun.
18) Leave the floor wet from above water bowl incident until I can get baby down for nap time. Then I clean it up if it hasn't dried yet. To leave such a mess would have drove me bonkers before!
19) Spend more time on the floor than on furniture.
20) Be grateful to wake up at 6 a.m. Seriously, the first time baby slept through the night I thought I was misreading the clock. Surely it said 2 a.m. or something of the like. No! 6 A.M.!!! Hallelujah!
21) Find myself singing Dora tunes to myself on a regular basis ("I'm the map. I'm the map...")
22) Picking someone else's nose.
23) Cleaning out someone else's ears.
24) Loving very slobbery kisses. P.S.  I got my very first intentional kiss from baby the other day and I could not be more elated. Be still my heart.
25) Be so concerned with the specs on every baby item you could possibly purchase. I used to just buy something if I liked it. Now I feel that before I buy something I must research it to the extreme (i.e. car seats, baby bottles, strollers, high chairs, swings). One can never be too safe!